Sunday, February 4, 2018

Consent- 2018

Consent. A year ago I posted a blog about consent and look where we are now. (insert sigh and eyeroll)

There are many, many, many different directions the topic of consent can take and should take. These are important discussions we as a society need to have to better communicate with our fellow human beings. And we need more of these discussions. Now, I am not going to tackle all of them here, but I am going to address one topic that I saw recently on Twitter because it ties directly into my world.

There was a Twitter user who made a comment about how discussing one’s sexual preferences during courtship made sex boring and passionless. I so wish I could find that tweet to share here. But to this man I say, “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!”

If you cannot discuss your wants and desires with a potential partner, you are not ready to have sex. Not only is it establishing an open line of communication, but you are also establishing consent. Not to mention engaging in one of the best parts of sex- foreplay.

Of course, there is a right and wrong way to begin that line of dialogue. Please, do not approach a person you have just become acquainted with and vomit out a sentence resembling “So, do you wanna suck my dick?” or something of the like. That is not effective or constructive communication.

We should take a cue from the BDSM community where it’s all about open communication and consent. While under their care, a good Dom will see not only to your physical needs, but emotional ones too. *Side note- If you meet someone who claims to be in the lifestyle and doesn’t ask you about your preferences, they are a fraud and you run away as quick as you can.

In the early days of my relationship with my boyfriend, one of the first things we did was go down a list of sexual preferences and communication styles to see if we were compatible. Let me tell you, that was not a boring conversation. I had a handsome man willing to listen to what I had to say and sharing all of the ways he wanted to make me scream- uh, happy. Make me happy. ;) Come on. How is that a bad thing?

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That night reminded me of a scene from my book Only at The Cavern. The hero, police captain Marco DeWinter, wanted to enter into a D/s relationship with the sexy emergency room doctor he had just discovered was a dominatrix. At first she does not want to mix anyone and anything from her personal life with her BDSM life, but she decides to give it a try and sends him an invitation to join her. The invitation blows his mind along with the lengthy questionnaire attached asking him about his preferences. When the two meet at an elegant restaurant to discuss the deal, more sparks fly.


She sat back, straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin. Bam. Mistress Jasmina had returned. “Did you bring the contract with you?”

“I did.” He withdrew the tri-folded pages from his inside jacket pocket and set them before her.

On the surface, Jasmine was like a serene lake. Quiet, tranquil, nary a ripple disturbing the placid scene. But as he sipped his beer and watched as she read over the pages, he saw the myriad emotions cross her features that were so slight, only his knowledge of micro-expressions caught the movements.

Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly in concentration. When she was pleased, she tilted her head to the left in a tiny nod. The briefest flicker of a brow, a tick near the corner of her mouth when she was amused, all her thoughts played out across her beautiful face.

Then she came to the page of the long list of acts he was willing to engage in. He sat up in his seat as she ran her finger down each checked box. Occasionally she would glance his way with a calculating eye, and he felt sweat began to gather on his upper lip. What had she read that made her look at him as if she already imagined him at her mercy?

She tapped at the paper. “You have no desire at all in a homoerotic encounter?”

At the mention of the word, his ass clenched tight and his heart skipped a beat. “Nope. Not in the slightest. Sorry, Doc.”

A grin tugged at her lips and she sighed. “Pity.”

There were a lot of things he marked as undecided, but touching another dude in that way? Or have another dude touch him? Uh-uh. Not going there.

“Well, there is certainly enough here for me to work with.” She set the contract down and skimmed her hands down her side. “Did you have any questions for me?”

“Yeah, what exactly is expected of me? I know in the contract we have a designated meeting time, but will I be at your beck and call?”

“Not at all. What I expect from you is your respect and courtesy. The moment you walk through The Cavern’s door, your time belongs to me. I understand that your work schedule is unpredictable, as is mine, but when we’re together, nothing else exists. When you are out and about your day, you are welcome to do as you wish. If a work situation arises, you will give me as much notice as possible. On occasion I may send you an instruction, but don’t fret. I will never ask you to do anything that may cause an embarrassing situation.”

“So no orders for me to wear a pink g-string under my work clothes?”

The husky notes of her laughter made his abs clench and his hands flinch, eager to gather her close to feel the vibrations against his skin.

“What you wear to work is entirely up to you.”

“That’s a relief.” He slid the chalice back and forth on the tabletop and hoped he sounded nonchalant as he asked, “And we’re to refrain from intimate relationships outside the, uh, dungeon, right?”

The question was more to confirm her stance than his. Between pining for Brett and the Smithwick case, a girlfriend never fit into his life, and he had grown tired of one-night stands years ago. And selfish as it might seem, considering she wasn’t his girlfriend, he wanted Jasmine all to himself.

She chuckled again. “I have yet to meet a woman who allowed her significant other to visit a dominatrix. Although I guess there might be one or two in existence. So, yes. I will insist that we remain exclusive. I like to devote all of my attention to one man. However, I may bring in another on occasion to assist with a scene, for the most part it will be just you and I.”

A hundred different scenarios of who those people might be and how they were going to assist flashed through his mind, one dirtier then the next, and he felt the buzz of anticipation raise the fine hairs on his neck and arms.

“Where do I sign?” he asked in a voice far raspier than he intended.

Respect. That is the key. Being open to another’s thoughts and being open with yours. Respect the person enough to listen. Respectfully say no if not interested. And most important, respectfully accept that no if given.

The first person you must demand respect from is you. Respect yourself and be honest with what you want. Take charge of your passions and desires and demand to be heard if respect is not given. Easier said than done. I know. Believe me, I know. But you have to start somewhere, and being honest with yourself is step one.

Until next time y'all!

Anna- The Super Diva

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