Well, it’s that time of the year again. Thanksgiving! The
official beginning of the “holiday season.” I have a love-hate relationship
with this particular holiday thanks to my wholly dysfunctional family and my
obsession with creating the perfect
gourmet dinner. Seriously, this is a hugely important meal for me. I start
planning in August and shopping in October. The menu changes yearly and depends
on my mood, my energy level, and my tolerance for family drama. We typically
have six adults and four kids gathered around the table. Don’t get me wrong. I
love my son and my nieces and nephews, but they could drive a saint to murder!
Since I’ve got an aversion to jail cells and straitjackets,
I’ve come up with a few essentials that help keep the stress down and the cook
(me) from poisoning the troublemakers. Take a look!
1. Lube: Slippery, flavorful, and... burn resistant? Well,
yeah. I’m talking about butter here. What were you thinking of? Every turkey
needs a good lube job. Mine comes out moist and delicious every time. My trick?
I blend softened butter with fresh chopped sage, rosemary, and thyme, a little
sea salt and cracked black pepper. I slip my fingers under the skin of the bird’s
breasts and give her a slow, sexy butter massage before roasting. Every 30 mins
or so, I reapply with a basting tool. My girl’s lubed from the inside out. Try
it!
2. Batteries: Do not run out of these! You’ll kick yourself.
Not for my bedroom—although you don’t want to run out there either! I’m talking
about batteries to power my nifty little food thermometer. I’d be lost without
it on Thanksgiving! DON’T trust the plastic popup thingy that’s stuck in the
turkey. They don’t always work! All the lube in the world can’t save an
overcooked turkey. A food thermometer is essential and hey, you can repurpose
the batteries for, well, you know... those other
important household tools!
3. Restraints: Handcuffs on Thanksgiving? Well, yeah. Maybe.
Have you seen my kids??? Even more importantly, have you ever roasted a turkey
without trussing it? Its stubby little legs just fall open like a horny,
dateless middle-aged woman who’s just found herself trapped in an elevator with
Thor! It’s sad really. Pathetic... Okay, so enough about me... Let’s get back
to the turkey! I leave my bird its dignity by trussing with twine since my
handcuffs keep falling off. Ooooh, maybe I could try little thumb cuffs this
year?
4. Alcohol and drugs: In my house, these two things are
absolutely ESSENTIAL to both the flavor of my dinner and my sanity... Note: I
don’t recommend trussing the bird after too many glasses of wine. Bad things
can happen. Also, don’t drink too much before making dessert. I once forgot to
add sugar to the whipped cream in a big, glorious trifle. We don’t talk about
that particular holiday anymore.
So, let’s get to the specifics, shall we? Booze first. Pinot
Grigio goes into my mouth and into my gravy. It’s a must, must, must have in my
house. Mmmm. Delish! Since I’m a big bourbon fan, bourbon finds its way into
sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie. Sometimes, I add some to fresh whipped cream.
Also my mouth. I add it there too. Depends on the amount of family drama and
the number of arguing children.
Drugs? I bet you think I’m going to say something dramatic
here! Sorry, but no. I confess I’m a Tylenol junkie though. By the end of this
glorious, fun filled, family holiday, I want to crawl into bed with a bottle of
Tylenol and a snuggly blanket. And Thor. I’d definitely like to crawl into bed
with Thor. Hey, I might be a dateless, middle-aged woman, but I have impeccable
taste in fantasy lovers.
5. Last, but not least, NAKED TWISTER: Say what? Made you
look, didn’t I? I’ve always wanted to play that, but not with my relatives.
Ewwww! All nakedness aside, Twister is an awesome game and kept my kiddos
occupied so I never had to threaten them with handcuffs. Seriously, the Olerich
household playroom is a Thanksgiving—and Christmas—miracle! Filled with Legos,
air hockey, video games, and movies, banishing the kids to this room probably
kept me from running down the street with that bottle of Pinot Grigio.
All kidding aside, the holiday season is a big stressor for
a lot of people. There’s tons of pressure to shop and entertain and volunteer
and cook and handcraft and party and, and, and... Well, you get the idea. How
do mere mortals do it all? For me, it’s all about finding a balance and
enjoying the things I love doing the most. Take a deep breath and have a
wonderful Thanksgiving! I'll be back on December 18th!
Want to keep in touch?
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